Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.  -Rumi

So yesterday was my divorce court date.  This blog is a place for me to compile some of what I am learning.  One of the hard lessons is that it takes two to make things go right but only one to break them down and walk away.  I did my best and never gave up.

It’s a struggle figuring out how to extend the perfect love I strive for in this circumstance.  This is one of those times where the metaphor of god seems to provide a useful vision.  The perfect form of goodness and love is unattainable but remains the vision of spiritual practice.  When you cannot see yourself well, there is at least the vision to guide you.

Daughters

I know a girl
She puts the color inside of my world
But she's just like a maze
Where all of the walls are continually changed
And I've done all I can
To stand on her steps with my heart in my hands
Now I'm starting to see
Maybe it's got nothing to do with me

-John Mayer

Betrayal Trauma

http://digital-magic.tv/digitalplanet/thepositivemind/mp3/tpm_20110601.mp3

There's something strangely comforting about blaming another person and imagining that they are the sole cause of our unhappiness.  -David Burns, MD  The Feeling Good Handbook

Mental Illness Happy Hour Episode 145: Dr. David Lisak

http://mentalpod.com/Dr-David-Lisak

Great insights on healing and intimacy:

Born in Montreal to a WWII widow, the clinical and forensic psychologist talks about the sexual abuse he experienced as a boy, the stigma and confusion adult male survivors grapple with and ultimately how he healed.  Episode is sponsored by www1in6.org which he co-founded. - See more at: http://mentalpod.com/Dr-David-Lisak#sthash.2NGviFEd.dpuf

“Love is the only way to grasp another human being in the innermost core of his personality. No one can become fully aware of the very essence of another human being unless he loves him. By his love he is enabled to see the essential traits and features in the beloved person; and even more, he sees that which is potential in him, which is not yet actualized but yet ought to be actualized. Furthermore, by his love, the loving person enables the beloved person to actualize these potentialities. By making him aware of what he can be and of what he should become, he makes these potentialities come true.”

― Viktor E. Frankl, Man's Search for Meaning

Love and the Illusion of Certainty
Be certain of your values not your projections

"If you want to feel lovable and adequate, you have to return to the appreciative, caring, tolerant, and compassionate person you were when you fell in love.
...the real value of relationship: having someone who supports us through joy and turbulence, who sees beauty amidst our warts, and who, most importantly, helps us realize our humanity by allowing us to love and support in kind."

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/anger-in-the-age-entitlement/201312/love-and-the-illusion-certainty

The best revenge is to not be like that.

- Marcus Aurelius

8 Great Ideas from Stoicism

Old-time philosophers can teach us a lot about living.

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/creating-in-flow/201311/8-great-ideas-stoicism

I really like point number seven of this book review: virtue is sufficient for happiness.

I'm definitely going to read this book!  It looks great.  Relationships are as much about taking care of ourselves as others, as Socrates said, "to strive for the best possible state of your soul."

Philosophy for Life and Other Dangerous Situations: Ancient Philosophy for Modern Problems by Jules Evans

John Legend - All of Me

When Someone You Love Changes and Forgets to Tell You

How to avoid being blindsided in your relationship

This is what happened to me.

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/in-flux/201311/when-someone-you-love-changes-and-forgets-tell-you

Ten Science-Based Facts About Love

Why love doesn't just happen - you have to work for it

Published on November 19, 2013 by Melanie A. Greenberg, Ph.D. in The Mindful Self-Express

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-mindful-self-express/201311/ten-science-based-facts-about-love

Don't worry about what you can't control; focus on the good things right in front of you.

When you marry a man who leaves his spouse, you marry a man who leaves his spouse.

Book Recommendation

KEEPING THE LOVE YOU FIND
A Guide for Singles
Harville Hendrix, Ph.D.

"If your self-hatred makes it impossible for you to believe that you are lovable, it is impossible for the love of a partner to heal your wounds."

The Mental Illness Happy Hour

This podcast is an excellent resource for support with mental health:

http://mentalpod.com/

Op-ed: How to Shed Your Armor | Advocate.com

Op-ed: How to Shed Your Armor | Advocate.com

Wabi Sabi Love

How to Create Deep Intimacy In Imperfect Relationships

An interview with Arielle Ford, author of Wabi Sabi Love

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/finding-love/201301/how-create-deep-intimacy-in-imperfect-relationships-0

What a great interview/article.  This book may not get into some of the more complex issues that can come up in relationships but it is a great start at training your mind to be less reactive and more mindful of the good things that your partner brings into your life.

Arielle suggests that instead of looking for perfection we can look for a new story to tell ourselves.  She quotes Sam [Keen]:

"We come to love not by finding the perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly."

Article: I attracted the right person. Now what?
What to do after you find the man (or woman) of your dreams.